Self-Abuse

[The subsidized apartment building I live in is called The Union Hotel. It's run by DESC, Seattle's Downtown Emergency Service Center. All the residents have been homeless. I write a column for the monthly building newsletter. The column is called Out of My Mind. I'm posting them here, because I can. Usually I wait until the newsletter is out, but I had too much fun with this one to hold it back. Thanks to Tim Harris for directing my attention to my paradigmatic subversiveness.-- wes]

When I agreed to write these little columns, essays, rants, or whatever you want to call them, I had to agree to one rule. It was not, "Keep it clean"; it was not, "Don't write too much." It was, "You can make fun of the staff and management all you want, but don't make fun of the tenants."

I have respected that rule. But I admit it pains me. I SO love to make fun. All these people off limits, so sad.

Then I realized that I was wrong. The rule doesn't say I can't make fun of ANY tenant. It says I can't make fun of ANY OTHER tenants. I can make fun of me all I want. It then occurred to me, additionally, that many of the other tenants would greatly enjoy that. So here goes.

Wes Browning is a sinful self-deprecator: he deprecates himself a minimum of 3 times a day. His record: 16 self-deprecations in one afternoon, in one public toilet.

When he's not self-deprecating, Wes is an idolater, sloth, drunk, left wingnut, and hack writer. Those aren't insults, those are his bragging points.

Wes Browning is a cynical bastard, and so was his Momma: his Momma was SO cynical she thought Diogenes the Cynic was a fraud. Ha!

Wes Browning is a pseudo-intellectual geek who wouldn't know Diogenes the Cynic from Britney Spears if he saw them both side-by-side in uniform. If he can't figure it out by googling it he can't know it.

Speaking of his Momma, when she was pregnant with Wes she thought she just had a bad case of gas. After he was born the doctors asked who the father was. She put down "Nalley's, Extra Hot, Thick and Chunky."

Wes Browning is a maladjusted, senile delinquent, with delusions of genius. He's a 58 year-old self-identified Goth who laughs too much and wears Hawaiian shirts all the time. Someone needs to tell him you cannot be Goth and wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. Or be 58. Or laugh.

Wes Browning is a subversive. He subverts paradigms, because he has callous disregard for all that is decent and paradigmatic. He just looked up paradigmatic on the internet and couldn't find it, so he doesn't know what it means, but he has a callous disregard for it anyway.