Tending to Mom's Honor

My parents had to throw parties for the sake of my Father's career, a couple of times a year. The parties always featured cocktails and gin.

With all the noise from these affairs, which were held in the Sun Porch just off my room, it was natural that I'd be kept awake and sooner or later think I needed something, like water, or an assurance that it would be all over soon.

So on one occasion I came out of my room, hoping to get a glass of water, and I found a roomful of adults in various degrees of nakedness. There was a man wearing boxers, a women wearing underpants and a bra. My Father still had his undershirt and shorts and shoes and socks. Had I known that they had been playing strip poker, I would have known that Dad was having a relatively lucky night, with the cards.

Then I saw my Mother. She was completely naked. She was sitting in the sofa with her legs crossed smoking a cigarette and drinking a gin and tonic. I was horrified, and told her she should put some clothes on.

Her answer was to lean forward and blow smoke in my face. One of the men told her it wasn't right, and she told him to mind his own business. I went to bed, forgetting that I was ever thirsty.

Technorati Sucks, Week 13

I'm aware that by complaining that Technorati sucks every week until they either stop sucking or I die, I may be giving the impression that they suck in some monumental noteworthy way, like death or taxes do. I don't want to exaggerate their suckiness so much. So to correct any misperceptions that might be out there, and put Technorati's sucking in perspective, I will list some things that suck very nearly approximately as much as Technorati does.

1. Having a state-of-the-art giant flat-screen HDTV up against one wall of your massive penthouse suite, and the batteries to the remote die. Then you break the remote, trying to follow the directions to change the batteries. Then you find out that they don't sell that kind of remote anymore, and your system doesn't work with a universal.

2. You just started eating a fantastic dinner that your Hindi friends engineered to be an 11 on the Indian-restaurant 1-5 hotness scale. You discover why they are giggling every time they say, "Have you tasted the pickles yet?" You and all your smart-ass giggling friends find out at the same time that all the beer is frozen.

3. Let's say your wife kicked you out of bed. Rather than sleep on the couch and hear her bitch at you every time she passes, you take off for the office. Your office is one of two dozen small offices off a long corridor. At 3 am you wake up needing to use the bathroom. It's way down the other end of the hall. You decide you're too sleepy to get dressed so you go wearing nothing but your shoes. When you return you find that you forgot to unset the lock when you closed your office door. You have to either break into your own office, or decide which of your coworkers you would most prefer to have catch you naked in their office when they show up around 8.


4. You stick your finger in a light socket, thinking, "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I stuck my finger in this light socket?" Your arm is numb for an hour, and all the lights go out in your half of Guadalajara (including the part pictured), but nobody finds out it was you, so you don't get in trouble. On the other hand, nobody finds out it was you, so your friends don't think you're any cooler, either.

That's sort of how Technorati sucks. It's not anything special. It's not legendary sucking. They not only suck, they suck at sucking.