Memory Tests

Having evidence that my memory stretched back even before my first birthday had an effect on my Mother I could predict now, after another 51 years of experience with human nature, but which made no sense to me at the time.

She wasn't in any danger of being found to be guilty of attempted murder. Not only was there no danger that anyone would believe my memories, but even if it was determined through a revisiting of physical evidence that I was run over deliberately, it was extremely unlikely that anything but my unbelievable memory could indict my Mother as a conspirator. All she had to do is remind everyone that she wasn't the one behind the wheel.

So the rational thing to do would have been nothing but to forget about it.

My Mother was not about being rational, except for public show. She began to test my memory more and more. The tests became an excuse for cruelty. She'd put something away in front of me without calling attention to what she was doing, like a pair of sewing shears. Then the next day, or the next week, she would order me to find it. She would say, "I know you can find it. You remember everything. If you don't find it I'll know you're just pretending you can't."

When I didn't find the missing items I'd be beaten, and sent back to look. When I did find them, I was subjected to rape and torture to remind me that I had better keep my memories to myself.

In hindsight it wasn't about shutting me up or convincing herself that I couldn't remember the attempted memory. Rather, it was about the proliferation of excuses to abuse. What I couldn't see then, because my Mother was so insistent about her rationalizations, was that my Mother was simply a sadist. Any rationalization of torture would do.